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that block of time when you don't have to work. Although some movies made me want to
get back to work early
by Joe
The final in the original movie series of Planet of the Apes. For the first 20
minutes, me, Mike and Pat didn't know what the hell was going on and
Mike's a Planet of the Apes Expert! The sound mix was so terrible that the
opening narration was getting its ass kicked by the overly-dramatic music.
As Mike pointed out, the budgets for these things must've started drying up
around the third one as one of us was heard to say "You can practically see
where they ran out of money on that ape-chick's face!" Here's the plot:
Some ape dude from the future tells us a story from his past (but still our
future?) in 2639 about Ceasar the ape who's the son of these two other
apes from the future who is leader now and then people are slav...Oh fuck
it, who cares! There's some mutant human dudes (we know their mutants
cos they don't have eyebrows!) from some crapped out city that start
fucking with the apes in school buses and slow moving motorcycles. The
march to battle by these dipshits was funny with them walking slow-as-balls,
like they shit their pants. Then there's some stupid message on tolerance
at the end or something. I don't know, but we were drinking beers and
laughing at it. At least I didn't feel like I got kicked in the nuts like I felt after
Tim Burton's remake!
'tis the season for being nice
and crap
At first I was freaked the fuck out! Then the cat boy and girl kept doing the same shit over and over. You
could set your watch to when they would pop out of a shadow. And then the scenes from the commercial
popped up (with Sarah Michelle Gellar in the shower and a hand comes out of her head, and it didn't give
her the finger or anything!). And then I just wanted it to end. It starts out scary then just repeats the same
scares. It was made in Japan I think so maybe the film makers just wanted to finish it quickly so they could
go watch "The Ring" or more anime with ridiculous giant robots everywhere. Whatever. This review is kinda
like the movie. Its still going when it should have ended.
I like Vince Vaughn, I think he's awesome when he's smoking butts doing gymnastics and shit. And I like
dodgeball too. And I think I like Ben Stiller, but I'm not really sure. He's so over the top in this that I think it
takes away from the movie a bit. (And he's everywhere! He needs to learn to say "no" to his agent
sometimes) There were some good shits in there, like Ben Stiller's gym, the "Go Balls Deep" banner, the
other dodgeball teams, and Rip Torn's training but more missed opportunities. The
Patches-O'Whatever-the-fuck instructional film from the 50's is OWNED by Troy McClure of the Simpsons,
and Hank Azaria was in this one! And what the crap was that shit about the dude who thought he was a
pirate? And then the stupid guy doesn't remember him at all? Fuck you! I wonder if these movies get the
green light and then are shackled by the studios to dumb it down more or not be so crass to make more
money. Or maybe like Anchorman and Envy, laziness set in. Anyway its funny, but this bastard made like
$114 Million and the way everybody talked about it, I was expecting to laugh so hard, I'd shit myself. Sadly, at
the end of the movie, my pants were still clean. Well maybe a skidmark.
Don't lure me in with funniness
th
Rent or buy this MF biatches!
You gotta support the little
guys!
I saw bits and pieces of this "Shrek 2" nonsense over Christmas. I'll admit that the animation looks sharp, but I
fucking can't stand Eddie Murphy and now Mike Myers is getting long in the tooth. I'm still cleaning that shit
"Goldmember" off my f'n rug. Could another movie be more annoying? I liked the first one, it wasn't that bad, but
fuck you, Shrek 2! And that goes for all the Harry Potters too. Little bitch wizard boy who gets whatever he
needs to get the job done. And that wizard game on the brooms? Harry Potter wins every one! Like the useless
pod race in the Phantom Crap! Great lesson they're sending kids: You got too drunk to go to work today? Just
put on your invisibility cloak! Harry Potter just go away! I didn't see Passion of the Christ yet. Every time I'm in
the mood to watch a movie, the bloody beatdown of the savior of the world just isn't that appealing when I'm
happy to be out of work and have some hours to enjoy. And when I feel like shit, I'm rarely in a movie store. I'm
at the bar giving my body its own beatdown. Spiderman 2 was awesome! Team America? Fuck Yeah! The
Villiage was good too, assholes, and I knew the ending going in! What you want from your movies, you shit
bastards?! Van Helsing was a steaming pile of dung! Steven Sommers can kill a vampire faster than a wooden
stake shot with a silver bullet through holy water. He sucks, as did the Mummy and Mummy Returns. Fuck you!
Keep coming back here. We'll have Steve's reviews
here too soon.
